10 Secrets to Finding Love Online

He cheated and now you’re waking up alone. Don't stay solo: Boost the odds of finding Mr. Right - online. Read on for top strategies to find the love of your life in cyberspace…

Fresh out of a 15-year marriage, Kat Corey, 35, was ready to try dating again, but she was a little leery.

“I hadn’t dated anyone since I was 20,” says the Phoenix entrepreneur/professional speaker (who didn’t want to use her real name).

Like many divorced women, she didn’t know how to look and feel her best. Plus, having been burned once, she wasn’t sure she’d even recognize when The One came along.

“I didn’t know what my type was or what I was going to find ‘entertaining’ anymore,” she says.

Sure, it’s scary to put yourself out there again – whether you’re looking in bars, the gym or online. What if you end up rejected? Or worse, land another cheater?

If you’re trolling online dating sites, certain strategies work better than others. These 10 tried-and-true tips from experts and successful online daters will help you put your best foot forward, polish up rusty dating skills and find a keeper in cyberspace:

1. Pick the right site.
North America has 1,400 online dating sites, so you have lots of options.

There are dating sites like Match.com and PlentyofFish.com and relationship- or marriage-oriented sites like eHarmony.com, Chemistry.com and PerfectMatch.com.

You’ll also find niche sites for Jews (JDate.com), Christians (ChristianCafe.com), African Americans (BlackPeopleMeet.com), Indians (Shaadi.com), nerds (GeektoGeek.com), pet lovers (DateMyPet.com) and single parents (SingleParentMeet.com).

To broaden the available pool of men and improve your chances of a hit, “take a two-pronged approach, combining a general site with a niche site,” says Eric Resnick, founder of Profile Helper, an Orlando-based company that works on online dating profiles.

2. Take the compatibility test.
Choose at least one site with a compatibility test. They’re “a wonderful little filter” to weed out men looking for casual encounters, says online dating expert Mark Brooks, editor of OnlinePersonalsWatch.com.

But beware: “Anyone who claims to have the most amazing algorithm” – a computer formula that guarantees a solution – “that can introduce you to the love of your life in a one-time deal is putting you on,” says University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., the relationship expert behind PerfectMatch.
But math can help you see who's incompatible and whom you should be meeting.

Indeed, the guy Kat Corey eventually chose didn’t seem like an ideal match at first.

“He didn’t fit any of the stuff I said I was attracted to,” Corey says. “But we connected like I’ve never connected with anyone in my life.”

It’s worth it to shell out for a membership too. (Monthly fees range from $20-$60.) Although free sites are attractive in this down economy, having to pay for the service offers accountability.

“Something like Craigslist is anonymous and that’s dangerous,” Brooks says.

Paid dating Web sites require a credit card and some sort of profile.

“If someone had malicious intent, it would be pretty stupid to sign up for a paid dating site,” he says.

Plus, there’s some policing of behavior.

“We know who’s on the site and we can clean it up if we need to,” Schwartz says. “If someone turns out to be married or just trying to get into the U.S., we’ll get rid of them.”

3. Pick an appropriate screen name.
HotMama69 might find you Mr. Right for tonight, but not necessarily the future father of your children.

“Your screen name is your first impression,” says Cristy Stewart-Harfmann, a matchmaker and online dating profile consultant with Priceless Profiles in Boynton Beach, Fla. (She met her husband on eHarmony.)

A better approach, she says, is to tie your first name with a hobby: GolfingJayne or MichelleSails. This gives a much better first impression and attracts people with your interests.

4. Stand out.
The biggest problem with most online profiles? They’re too bland.

So you like sports, walking on the beach, cooking, movies, music and travel? So does half the Western world.

“How would someone differentiate you from anyone else?” Schwartz asks.

So share some special details. You cook? Talk about your favorite cuisine or a signature dish. Like music? List which CD is absolutely worn out because you listen to it all the time.

Don’t be afraid that details will put off potential dates. That’s exactly what you want your profile to do.

“Your online dating profile should repel about 95% of the people who read it,” Resnick says. “But for the people who could be a good match, we want them to know it was written for them.”

5. Drop the purple prose.
Another pitfall: Describing yourself with strings of adjectives. They’re meaningless and ineffective, dating experts say. It’s better to show – not tell – what you’re all about.

Resnick once balked at using the word "adventurous" in a client’s profile.

“She didn’t seem adventurous to me,” he explains. “Then she told me she had backpacked the Great Wall of China – by herself. I said, ‘Great! Now we don’t have to say 'adventurous.' We can talk about that.’”

Other tips from online dating pros:

Tell the truth in your profile, but don’t tell everything. Maybe you had cancer, went bankrupt or have a special needs child. Still, don’t spill – yet.

“There’s a time for [revealing] that, but not at 'Hello,'” Schwartz says.

Don’t list too many deal-breakers. Can’t date a smoker? Only looking for someone with the same religious background? Fine. But putting out a laundry list of "Must do’s and Can’t do’s" will leave you solo.

Use spellcheck. Misspelled words and poor grammar are an instant turn-off.

Call in a pro. You hire someone to clean house or mow grass, so why not an online dating consultant (like ProfileHelper.com or Priceless Profiles)? They can help you put together a profile from scratch or polish the one you have.

6. Post pictures.
Guys are visually oriented, so you need pictures to get their attention. In fact, many men look only at the pictures, skipping profiles entirely.

You’ll need 2-5 pictures taken within the last nine months.

“If you could have had a child since the photo was taken, it’s too old,” Resnick says.

And at least one has to be a full-body shot.

“If you only put up a head shot, people think you’re hiding your body,” she says.

Skip the glam-girl shots for a casual one that captures your personality. And use your pictures to complement your profile, to illustrate that you’re outdoorsy, athletic or like to travel.
That's what drew Diane Wallace, a Phoenix photographer, to her husband, whom she found on Match.com. He posted photos of his performances with a theater company.

“Content was much more important to me than having the perfect picture,” she says. “His photos got my attention because they showed me that he had a life of his own that he wanted to share.”

Other photo tips:

Go solo. Pictures should be of you alone, not with somebody (your ex, for example) obviously cut out, sorority sisters (breeds confusion about which one is you) or children. (Why risk attracting a pedophile?)

Skip the bikini. “If you put up a bikini shot, you lose the right to complain that guys are emailing you for sex, because you’re out there as a sexual being,” Resnick says.

7. Set ground rules.
Setting limits prevents from getting in too deep too fast and allows you to bail if there’s no chemistry. Some good rules for your playbook:

Schedule first dates during the day. It helps to keep the vibe casual.

Don’t go to a movie or concert. You won’t be able to talk.

Meet for coffee – not dinner. You don’t want to be trapped for hours if your date fizzles.

Don't sit at your local coffee bar. Instead, order a cup to go and stroll around an outdoor entertainment/shopping plaza, Resnick advises.

“You can use the environment to help you if the conversation gets a little sticky,” he says. “If it’s not going well, half an hour and you’re out.”

But if he looks like a winner, you can say, “Want to grab a bite?”

“A setting like that lets a date go as long as you want it to,” Resnick says.

Have an escape plan. It can be a meeting at the office or an emergency call from the babysitter, anything that will get you out the door – if you want to, that is.

Skip martinis. “On a first date, you want to get to know the other person, not get to know the other person drunk,” Resnick says. Women especially need to be completely in control of their faculties, so they can avoid getting hurt.

8. Play it safe.
Don’t give out personal information (last name, address, mobile number). Always meet first in a public place. This keeps you safe, but also allows for a graceful exit if things aren’t clicking.
Make sure a friend knows where you are and when you’re expected home. If you’re ultra-paranoid, you can have a friend tag along at a discreet distance. Don’t let your date walk you to your car. Don’t invite him back to your house and don’t go back to his.

Do a background check. Even a quick Google search can pull up basic info.

Some people get themselves vetted through a Web site called HonestyOnline.com. If they pass the background check, they can post an icon on dating profiles, verifying that they are who they say they are.

Take notes on what someone tells you, suggests Paul Falzone, chief executive officer of the online and offline matchmaking company eLove.com. And bring the information up later to make sure answers are consistent.

9. Meet in person quickly.
Spending lots of time emailing before meeting a man in person is one of the biggest online dating mistakes women can make. That’s because soul-baring e-messages can make a relationship feel more intimate than it is and you might make moves you’ll regret later – like sleeping with him too soon.

Lots of women do. University of Texas School of Public Health researchers surveyed more than 500 women on a dating site: 30% of those who had prolonged email interactions with a guy ended up in bed with him on the first date; 77% didn’t use condoms.

They were feeling close to the men, “like they already had a relationship,” says study author Paige Padgett, Ph.D.

“You can fall in love online quicker than you could ever imagine,” Schwartz says.

But in person, he could turn out to be different than cyber-man. Maybe he’s boorish, cheap or simply not your type.

“You don’t want to have a huge emotional investment by the time you have your first coffee,” Schwartz warns.

If you’re leery of meeting face to face too soon, test the waters with a video chat on Skype. Or go on a “virtual date.”

It’s the next level of online chat, in which your avatar (or a visual representation of you) meets your date’s avatar in a virtual locale while you chat online in real time.

A few small dating sites, like PersonalQuest.com in the U.S., are using this technology. But until it becomes a standard feature, you can do a virtual date for free at OmniDate.com.

10. Complain about the weirdoes.
A few dogs will inevitably slip through the net. Which is one more upside to Internet dating: With an online service, you can turn to a complaint department.
“There will always be nuts,” Resnick says. “That’s why dating sites have active customer service departments.”

Most dating sites let you block people. If you’re being harassed, contact customer service because he may be bothering others too.

“That person needs to be removed from the dating population,” he says.

Check out these popular online dating and relationship sites:

www.eharmony.com/

www.chemistry.com/

www.match.com/index.aspx

www.plentyoffish.com/

www.perfectmatch.com/

www.jdate.com/ for Jewish people

www.christiancafe.com/ for Christians

www.blackpeoplemeet.com/index.cfm for African Americans

www.shaadi.com/ for Indians

www.geektogeek.com/ for nerds

www.datemypet.com/ for pet lovers

www.singleparentmeet.com/index.cfm for single parents

Freelance writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel specializes in health, parenting and relationships.

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