Don’t Let Depression Destroy Your Relationship

If you’re depressed, you could be dragging your mate to the dumps with you. Here are 5 common symptoms that wreck relationships – and expert advice on how to get love back on track… When you’re in a relationship and feeling depressed, two people suffer. Karen S., a business executive in her late 20s, had been with her boyfriend eight months when she fell into a funk. She no longer enjoyed her favorite activities, preferring to spend weekends sleeping in and watching TV. Her boyfriend missed the fun-loving, outgoing woman he’d fallen for. Their sex life was nonexistent. He thought she wasn’t interested in him anymore. A few months later, Karen's doctor diagnosed her with depression. She eventually got the help she needed, but it was too late - the relationship didn’t survive. That doesn’t surprise Miami marriage and family therapist Lisa Paz, Ph.D. “Depression makes the non-depressed partner feel helpless and confused,” she says. “[Faced with] silence, withdrawal, and no sex or desire to do anything, partners think this is the turn the relationship is taking – that this is the way it’s always going to be.” Depression isn’t just occasional sadness. It’s a collection of symptoms, including irritability, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, a loss of enjoyment in your usual activities, and sometimes suicidal thoughts. If you experience five or more symptoms for at least two weeks, you could have clinical depression, also known as major depression. It’s a serious condition you should have evaluated by a doctor or mental-health professional immediately, for the sake of your own well-being and your relationship. “Getting treatment and taking positive steps toward helping yourself are some of the best things you can do for you - and your relationship,” says Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Georgetown University. “Working on getting better and assuring your partner that you’re on that path can go a long way.” To rekindle the romance, we’ve outlined five classic symptoms of depression that erode a relationship. Plus, we asked therapists for their best strategies to help you and your partner survive depression together. 1. Your sex drive tanks. When your mood plummets, it usually takes libido with it, says Paz. Since sex is often the glue that bonds couples, and your guy doesn't get why you haven't been intimate lately, he may think you’re not attracted to him or don’t love him anymore. What you can do: Explain that it really is you, not him. And that while your desire has evaporated, it’s not a reflection of your feelings for him. If your doctor recommends antidepressants, ask if you can take medication that will alleviate symptoms without dulling your sex drive even more. “Many antidepressants can exacerbate low desire,” says marriage, family and sex therapist Stephen Betchen, DSW, LMFT, author of Magnetic Partners: Discover How the Hidden Conflict That Once Attracted You to Each Other Is Driving You Apart (Tantor Media). One that doesn’t: bupropion (Wellbutrin). What your partner can do for you: Focus on being close without any expectations about the outcome. “I tell couples to create a situation where it’s not about sex, but physical intimacy,” Bonior says. “Some couples end up cuddling on the couch. Others have sex anyway.” 2. You squabble more. Are you nagging more, or acting short-tempered, impatient and cynical, which leads to fights? “People think depression is about being tearful all the time, but it also comes out as irritability and negativity,” Bonior says. What you can do: Acknowledge that your mood is affecting your behavior. And give him permission to remove himself from the fight, says Bonior. “Some couples work out a script in advance so they have a plan to extricate themselves from arising conflicts.” What your partner can do for you: Though it’s common for the depressed person to pick on a partner, he doesn’t have to take the bait, says Betchen. Instead, he should look for ways to diffuse situations before they blow up. A good start, says Bonior, is saying something like: We’re fighting a lot more. Let’s try to understand what’s going on here. Also, he needs to realize he’s not responsible for making you better. “It’s very common for the nondepressed partner to get angry and frustrated with the person who’s depressed because they haven’t been able to fix or cure them,” Betchen says. “You can help, but don't try to take on the doctor role.” 3. You’re isolating yourself. Depression makes you want to withdraw into your own island of despair. You might be ashamed you can’t pull yourself out of the funk. Or if you don’t have the energy to connect with your partner, you might drop out until you feel better. “There’s an emotional checkout with depression,” Paz says. “You’re not present in anything but your darkness.” What you can do: If you can’t talk face-to-face, send emails or leave notes for your partner that say I love you, Thanks for your patience, Bear with me, You’re the best. “That way you can stay connected on some level,” Paz says. What your partner can do for you: Stay nearby, so you can both feel close even if you’re not interacting. “Showing you’re supportive but not smothering is the best act of love in this tough time,” Paz says. 4. You don’t want to go out. When you don’t feel like doing anything, it’s tempting to curl up on the couch and order takeout. While that may be all you can manage, eventually even the most devoted partner will get cabin fever and resent your diminishing social life. “Part of depression is being turned off to things you used to be enthusiastic about,” Bonior says. Giving up hobbies and not keeping up with friendships hurts relationships. “To the partner, it can seem like the person they knew isn’t there anymore,” she says. What you can do: Find an activity outside the house that brings you joy. Gardening, yoga, talking a walk, listening to music, laughing with a friend. “That’s a lifeline. Even if it’s just an hour, it can make you feel better for that time,” Bonior says. What your partner can do for you: Look for opportunities to take you out even for a short time. A midday movie could be a good choice. “This requires minimal conversation – which can be exhausting – and you don’t have to get dressed up,” Paz says. And if you’ve been considering getting a dog, now’s the time: Walking and caring for a pet will get you out of the house and can lift you out of your funk. It worked for a client of psychologist Stephanie Newman, Ph.D., of the Psychoanalytic Institute at New York University Medical Center. When she wouldn’t leave the house, her partner got them a dog. “Having something to love changes your perspective a bit. The dog can break through the loneliness and isolation,” she says. 5. You’re letting yourself go. Maybe you don’t notice – or care – that you haven’t changed out of your pajamas for days. “When you’re depressed, everything feels overwhelming," Paz says. "You feel like you can’t do all of it, so why do any of it?” Without understanding why you’re gaining weight, not doing your hair or putting on nice clothes, your partner could interpret your lack of effort as disinterest in the relationship. “He wonders why she doesn’t want to look nice for him anymore,” Bonior says. What you can do: Instead of getting overwhelmed by the process, take baby steps. “Go minute by minute,” Paz says. “Ask yourself, 'Can I get to the bathroom and just brush my teeth?' Then 'Can I get in the shower now?' If it becomes too much, sit down or get back in bed.” And cut yourself some slack occasionally. “Give yourself permission to wear a sweatsuit and go without makeup,” Paz suggests. “When you don’t force yourself to rally, it often frees you up to feel like you can rally because you don’t have the pressure.” What your partner can do for you: Convey support, not criticism. Suggesting that you jump in the shower because it’s been a while since you touched soap and water: criticism. Preparing a soothing bath filled with your favorite scented oils and offering to wash your hair: supportive. Also, some comfy, yet fashionable clothes, such as yoga pants, would make a great feel-good gift, suggests Paz. Of course, all these tips can be modified if your partner’s the one who’s depressed and you’re struggling to cope. Either way, dealing with the situation now can create an even better relationship once the fog lifts. “Couples that navigate the really tough times are usually stronger,” Betchen says. “They feel that they can conquer just about anything.”