Giving up alcohol can be like losing a best friend: The bottle is a constant companion – to offer solace when you’re down and a good time when you want to party. In a revealing exclusive, recovering alcoholic Brenda Wilhelmson explains how she got sober...
The suburban mother of two, Brenda Wilhelmson helped her kids with their homework, worked hard as a journalist and shared an active social life with her husband.
She also drank with abandon: Martinis before dinner, a shared bottle of wine with the evening meal and a post-dinner to top it off.
Wilhelmson partied hard on weekends too. Her “nighttime” friends – fellow drinkers outside her sober, daytime social sphere – shared her passion for alcohol and didn’t flinch when she blacked out or drove home drunk.
Then, 8-1/2 years ago – following a sickening two-day bender – she decided she couldn’t take another sip.
"Every day I was with the same people, attended the same dinner parties, did the same drinking over and over,” Wilhelmson says. “I didn’t want that life anymore."
So she quit drinking, joined Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-step program and chronicled her difficult journey toward getting and staying sober
in a journal and book, Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife (Hazelden).
In this exclusive interview, Wilhelmson, now 47, talks about her life as a hidden, alcoholic mom, and offers tips to recognize whether you – or a friend or loved one – has a drinking problem.
How did you know that you were an alcoholic?
About 16 years ago, when my son Max was 2, I thought of myself as a “problem drinker.” I could never drink just a glass or two of alcohol. Any time I drank, I got drunk. But [still] I didn’t think I was an alcoholic.
It’s difficult to know when you’ve crossed the line – that you’ve had enough and must put the liquor away.
My drinking escalated over the years. By the time I quit, I had blacked out [several times], and the next day I’d say, “I won’t drink today.” Then at dinner I’d be shaking a martini.
I realized I was an alcoholic two years before getting sober.
Did you intentionally choose friends who drank as you did?
Definitely! I wanted to hang out with people who drank like me. My dad
and grandfather were alcoholics. That kind of drinking seemed normal to me.
My daytime friends didn’t drink, and that was OK. I socialized with my drinking friends at night, because they didn’t make me feel guilty. If I went to dinner with friends who were light drinkers, I felt uncomfortable.
Did your husband have an impact on your alcohol consumption?
I [thought] my husband drank as much as I did, [that] we were on an even playing field. [But] we weren’t.
I already had consumed one or two martinis when he came home from work. Then he’d have one and I’d join him. We’d have wine with dinner. Afterward, I’d open a bottle of wine and pour myself [more].
I thought he was keeping up, but it was clear later that he wasn’t drinking as much as me.
When I quit, he drew way back. He rarely drank at home. He’s not an alcoholic.
What prompted you to stop drinking and become a recovering alcoholic?
About 9 years ago, I attended two drinking parties back to back and drank until I blacked out. When I awoke the next day, I realized I’d fallen and cracked my head. It was pounding.
I was supposed to go out that night and drink again. When I was getting
ready to go, I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I was disgusted with my drinking and how I was living.
[Afterward] I stayed sober for about two weeks.
I drank again on Christmas Eve and the day after that. Then, on Dec. 27, 2002, I stopped and haven’t had a drink since.
Did you decide to get sober because you weren’t taking proper care of your kids?
Not at first. I was able to do everything I was supposed to do as a parent.
My daytime friends – my book club group and parents of my kids’ friends – had no idea [I was an alcoholic].
I was a very active, involved mother.
I helped with homework and cooked good meals. I did most of those duties hung over, though. Then I’d start drinking at 5 p.m. when cooking dinner.
I did worry, when Max was 10 years old, that I was setting a bad example. He got anti-drinking messages at school and made comments to me that alcohol is bad. He was noticing my drinking.
To get sober, you turned to a 12-step program. Is support vital for recovering alcoholics?
I definitely recommend it. At first, it was hard for a high-functioning
[recovering alcoholic] like me to sit in meetings and hear the awful stories about people who ended up in jail and homeless.
Over time, [however] I started recognizing that some of the bad things I heard about could’ve happened to me. One person smashed her car into a vehicle with teenage boys in it, and went to jail because of it.
That was a huge wake-up call to me [because] I had driven home in a blacked-out state.
What helps you stay sober?
For me, going to meetings and working the 12 steps are most important. Without them, I wouldn’t have stayed sober. I still go to meetings at least once and sometimes twice a week.
The 12 steps teach us not to glamorize what we used to do and not to pick up that first drink again. For years now I’ve imagined what would happen if I drank again.
Early on, I had to talk myself out of taking a drink. Now, having worked through that urge, I don’t think about drinking. I know I can’t have just one.
What was the hardest part about being a recovering alcoholic?
During the first year, learning how to live my life and get through [big] events without drinking. I faced every holiday and wedding [or] people
getting sick, without being able to drink. It was very hard.
Would you advise a recovering alcoholic to stay away from hard-drinking friends and family?
It’s wise to question your motives if you go to an event where there’s drinking.
If a family member is getting married, that’s a good reason to be there. If not, don’t put yourself in those situations.
Early in my recovery, I foolishly put myself in such situations. Then I saw alcoholic behavior from sober eyes and it was ugly.
Also, I quickly realized I couldn’t be around alcohol. One whiff of booze and it would be over for me. I didn’t want to live like that.
Do you still struggle every day with the urge to have a drink?
I work hard to remind myself that recovery is never done.
One good thing about attending meetings is that periodically I hear someone talk about drinking again after 25 years. That’s tough.
It’s fortunate they’re back now, because many people get taken down the old road fast and don’t get a second chance.
At first you didn’t tell most people that you were recovering alcoholic – why?
Beyond family and close friends, it wasn’t anyone’s business. [I lived] in a
tight-knit community Chicago suburb [and] I didn’t want my children’s friends’ parents gossiping about me.
Also – and important at the time – I didn’t want people judging me if I decided to drink again one day [and saying] that a recovering alcoholic was drinking again.
Given your alcoholism, would you go back to the past if you could and forgo that first drink?
I don’t regret my past. I am who I am today because of what I’ve been through and what it taught me. I don’t want my children to go down the road I did, though – or anyone else.
What did you learn as a recovering alcoholic?
That life is a lot better without drinking. If you’re a problem drinker and disgusted with how you’re living, you have a choice.
Life is hard, and getting and staying sober isn’t easy. But my life is so much more interesting and adventurous without drinking.
I felt for years that I was anesthetized. Today, I’m living in the moment. I feel my emotions, and it’s a roller coaster ride. It’s not boring – which is
what you think when you’re an alcoholic. It’s exciting.
What are red flags of alcoholism?
It’s a bad sign if whenever you drink you can’t stop or wind up drunk. Also, if you’re blacking out – it doesn’t have to be every time – that’s a warning sign. If controlled drinking isn’t fun for you, beware.
What’s your advice for helping a girlfriend who’s drinking heavily?
If you want to have a conversation about it, don’t do it if the friend is drunk. She won’t listen or remember.
Catch her when she’s sober, but not feeling great. Ask her how she feels or if she’s thinking about quitting.
If she doesn’t want to stop drinking, there’s nothing you can do. The only way a person quits drinking is if they want to stop.
Al-Anon gives great advice about how to handle an addicted loved one. We
can only control our behavior [and] how we react to them and make decisions based on what’s healthy for us.
What advice do you have for women struggling with alcoholism?
Be honest. Admit to yourself what you already know, and if you need help, get it.
Do You Drink Too Much?
The one or two glasses of wine you drink at the occasional meal when you dine out are no big deal, but what about the standard two glasses of wine you have with every dinner? Could this love of Chardonnay mean that you drink too much? Many people wonder the same thing – whether or not their drinking habits are over the top.
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