Depression: One Woman’s Story

Treating depression can be a lifelong journey – but it’s possible to get your life back. In this Lifescript exclusive, a woman discusses how she balances moods, medication and motherhood… Most people bounce back quickly from a bad day. But when you’re clinically depressed, feelings of sadness don’t go away easily. Susan Morgan, 43, a mother of two in Frederick, Md., has experienced debilitating feelings of despair her entire life. Her mother noticed them when she was a toddler, and her own family is now at the mercy of her moods. “I feel like I’m the pilot of a plane, and my husband and children are passengers. We’re up in the air, and when I get depressed, I crash,” she says. “They’re along for the ride, whether they like it or not.” Clinical depression can happen to anyone – 1 in 5 Americans experience it at some point – but it’s more common in women than men. The cause is unclear, but everything from genetics and brain chemistry to life events and other diseases can play a part. Many people with depression don’t seek treatment. That’s because they either don’t know they have it or fear the stigma of mental illness. Morgan, for one, did get professional help, but that wasn’t the end of her problems. In this exclusive interview, she shares her long road to recovery. How do you feel when you’re depressed? The smallest tasks – paying a bill, returning a library book – become overwhelming. My mind goes into a complete fog. It’s as if I’m trying to walk through mud. Some days are so bad I just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Other people may turn to alcohol or drugs to cope, but sleep is my escape. When my depression is at its worst, I’ll sleep up to 18 hours a day. How long have you had these symptoms? My whole life. When I was a toddler, my mother noticed I had episodes of extreme sadness and often walked with my head down. When I turned 13 and went through puberty, my premenstrual symptoms of depression became bad. [Hormone changes – which occur during menstruation, pregnancy and menopause – can cause or trigger depression, according to the Mayo Clinic.] At 16, all hell broke loose. I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD] and began having recurrent suicidal thoughts. Did you seek help then? I began seeing a therapist and eventually started looking forward to college, thinking it would be so much fun. I always thought some circumstance in my life would change and that would solve my problem. But college was a black hole. I spent 5 years in a crushingly depressed and hopeless state. Life circumstances definitely make depression worse. It can create a perfect storm. Then I met my husband. I thought getting married would make things better, so I married at 22. How were you able to form a loving relationship while feeling so dark? I happened to find a man who is naturally a caregiver at heart. He was an only child whose mother suffered frequent migraine headaches and chronic back pain. It’s in his nature to be helpful. Did marriage help? No. My husband was supportive, but marriage didn’t make the depression go away. Looking back, I’m amazed I survived the years between 18 and 24. They were so bleak; I was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. What changed when you turned 25? I got pregnant, had my son and quickly became pregnant again. During that time, my depression symptoms improved and I thought I was cured. But after I stopped nursing, my depression came back – even worse. That must have made caring for your kids difficult. I spent hours on the Internet searching for answers to my depression. My son, who was just learning to walk, came over and hugged me, and I started crying. I thought, I want to die, but I can’t because my beautiful baby boy and daughter need me. That’s when I realized I needed help. I couldn’t continue raising my kids with this dark cloud over me. I wanted to be a good mom – a happy one. I knew there must be a medication that could help me. Did you start on an antidepressant? Yes. Within a few weeks, my depression got better. I felt more “human.” [For more on medications and other options, read Which Depression Treatment Is Right for You?]. But I gained 20 pounds. But by that time, I had gone through so many years of untreated depression, I thought, I don’t care if I grow a beard; I just want to feel better. I also started taking birth control pills to prevent me from ovulating. The days after I ovulated would be some of my darkest days. Going on the pill really helped me. Why didn’t you try medication earlier? I never realized it was an option. I saw a psychologist from age 16 through my college years, and he never suggested I take medication. Do antidepressants help? Depression never goes away completely. Feeling normal for me is different from what people without depression feel as normal. And even though I’m taking medication, there are a few days each month when I feel really down on myself. That said, the medications did make me feel better a lot more often. Instead of spending the day crying, I could have a good, functional day – like taking my kids on a hike. But after three years, it stopped working for me. Did your doctor change the medication? Yes, my symptoms get worse every three years or so. That’s when my doctor adjusts my medications again. Despite these changes, I still go through dark periods. I came out of a very bad three-month depressive episode a few weeks ago. It was my worst in 20 years. What triggered it? My children were going away to private school in another state. I thought I was OK with them leaving home. I didn’t realize I would go through a terrible grieving process. When they left, I kept reliving their childhoods in my mind and feeling a sense of loss. How do your symptoms affect your family? It takes a toll on them. It’s hardest on my husband. By the end of the most recent episode, he was cooking every night, cleaning the house and caring for me. Plus, he’s a caregiver for an elderly parent. Even he started to get a little depressed. What about your children? It’s difficult for them too. They see their father doing everything around the house and me not doing anything – just sleeping – and they get frustrated. But I think they’ll understand it better when they get older, especially if they have someone else in their life with depression. [Having a biological relative with depression can raise a person’s risk of developing it.] Are friends and extended family sympathetic? Some are; some aren’t. There are people who say, “Just get dressed and take a walk – it’s a beautiful day!” What they may not understand is that when I’m depressed, even moving my body becomes too much to handle. Do you have a family history of depression? There’s mental illness and alcoholism in my family, including my dad’s two brothers who both committed suicide. Besides medication, what helps you feel better? Getting enough exercise and eating right. When I haven’t exercised in a month, my symptoms get worse. Walking helps so much. I eat a high-fiber diet – a lot of fruit and vegetables, not too many carbohydrates and very little red meat. Feeling good in a whole-body way is important for me. If I don’t exercise or eat well, I don’t feel good physically, and that affects my depression. How are you feeling currently? Good! I have a new job. I was nervous about it because I hadn’t worked outside the home in four years. But it has been wonderful to be around people again. I feel like I’m finally putting things together, starting over as an empty nester and doing something for myself. It’s fun! What advice do you have for other women with depression? Open up about it. When talking with friends and family, don’t just pretend you’re OK. Some people may not understand your feelings of sadness, so seek out those who do. Any recommendations for how women can find support? One way is by visiting depression websites – such as [national nonprofit group] Families for Depression Awareness. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you realize you’re not alone. For more information and expert advice, visit our Depression Health Center. Could You Be Depressed? Depression affects 20 million people in any given year and is a serious enough disorder to compromise one's ability to function normally day to day. Find out if you're just blue or if you might be clinically depressed.