10 Expert Tips to Help Your ADHD Child Parenting Solutions for Homework, Morning Routines and More

Parenting a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can run you ragged. Get expert-recommended parenting solutions to help your ADHD child avoid meltdowns, and stay peaceful and productive… It’s hard enough raising kids. But caring for an ADHD child can test the patience of skilled moms and dads. Sometimes, the most well-meaning efforts can backfire. Or the daily struggle to get through simple tasks can leave you feeling hopeless. You’re not alone. ADHD affects 4%-12% of school-age children – and boys are diagnosed three times more often than girls. If your child is one of them – easily distracted, hyperactive and impulsive – managing her constant need for activity, or navigating his difficulty following instructions, can be ongoing battles. So what’s a parent to do? First, get in the right mindset, says Rory Stern, Psy.D., child and family ADHD coach and founder of ADHD Family Online. “ADHD doesn’t mean your child is broken or needs to be fixed.” Parents now have more advice and strategies to get through the day, thanks to an increase in ADHD-certified coaches, Web sites and magazines. We asked experts for 10 proven parenting solutions to help your child succeed in the classroom and at home: 1. Find solutions, not labels. Being your child’s biggest champion is essential in raising a confident, successful child with ADHD, according to Stern. Meet with your child's teachers, coaches and other mentoring adults to ask for their support. “Don’t say, ‘My child has ADHD,’” Stern says. “It’s so misunderstood. Some adults hear ‘ADHD’ and immediately think ‘behavior problem,’ ‘difficult,’ ‘not responsible,’ or ‘high-maintenance.’” Instead, he says, target the specific help your child needs. “You can word it as ‘My child has difficulties with focus on the soccer field or writing things down during math,’” Stern says. By steering the conversation toward specific solutions – whether it’s eye-to-eye contact for directions on the sports field or blackboard-written instructions in the classroom – you’ll help your ADHD child get the direction he or she needs. 2. Learn your child’s developmental age. To find learning techniques and behavioral approaches that work for your child, you need to understand how ADHD affects development, Stern says. Terry Matlen, M.S.W., A.C.S.W., who runs the website Moms with ADD/ADHD, agrees. “Socially and behaviorally, many children with ADHD are less mature, sometimes even 30% younger emotionally, than their peers,” Matlen says. “Your 10-year-old might not act like all the other 10-year-olds. She may act more like a 7-year-old.” 3. Make an ally of the teacher. When problems arise in the classroom, ask for the teacher’s advice rather than coming in with a list of problems and demands. “This way you’re [making] the teacher an ally,” Stern says. He suggests something like, “I’m sure you’ve dealt with a child like mine in the past. What do you recommend for keeping track of homework assignments?” Not only will you hear ideas you might not have thought of, you’ll establish a mutually respectful relationship. “You’re making it clear that you want to help,” Stern says. 4. Make homework manageable. Homework is a regular challenge with ADHD children. “By the time they come home, their medication is wearing off and they’ve been so focused all day, another two hours of homework can seem almost impossible,” Matlen says. Try these tricks to help your ADHD child get through assignments: If homework time causes frustrations between you and your child, ask a friend or hire a tutor to sit with your child to get homework done. Have your son or daughter do homework while still in school – at that time of day, they're more focused on schoolwork. Ask the teacher if your child can use a resource room or library before or during school hours, Matlen says. Know your child’s peak performance hours, Stern says. Some kids study best right after school; others do better after dinner. Get to know their optimal learning hours and plan to do homework then. Do 45 minutes of homework with a 15-minute break to let your child relax and get refreshed. “We know the human mind can only take learning so long,” Stern says. If they’re getting frustrated with a particular assignment, don’t dwell on it, Stern says. Set it aside and come back to it later. Ask the teacher how long students should be doing homework. If your child is spending much more time than the norm, talk to the teacher about having your child only do the odd or even problems, suggests Stern. 5. What’s your child’s learning style? Children learn in many ways, but may find some techniques easier than others. That’s especially true for children with ADHD. Because ADHD children have problems following instructions, figure out what works best for your child specifically; it will help you communicate more easily, says Matlen, who’s certified as a coach through the Institute for the Advancement of ADHD Coaching. Learning styles fall into 3 categories: Visual learners learn best by reading words on a page or board. Auditory learners prefer to hear a teacher talk about a subject or listen to recorded instructions. Kinesthetic learners grasp concepts by touching or doing things, such as conducting an experiment to learn a scientific principle. Once you know which style your child responds best to, give instructions with that style at home, Matlen says. “If your child is a visual learner, make use of visual cues,” Matlen says. “For instance, you can make a poster board for your child’s room with five steps to getting ready.” The poster can show pictures of tasks like brushing teeth, putting on clothes and combing hair in the order you’d like her to do them each morning. For an auditory learner, record instructions, like a song for brushing teeth, followed by one for dressing, with spoken instructions between each melody. When they hear the tune each morning, they’ll associate it with that activity. Kinesthetic learners like flash cards because they can touch them and move them around, so create cards for your morning routine – put them on a ring and let her flip through them as she completes each task. 6. Celebrate your child’s strengths. “Everyone focuses on weaknesses of the child with ADHD,” Stern says. “Diagnoses are done based on negative symptoms; decisions are made based on what kids can’t do.” The solution: Praise your child’s successes. Maybe they don’t use their daily planner very well, but they’re an amazing auditory learner and score high on spelling tests when words are spoken aloud. Make sure you compliment them on that ability. “These kids need victories,” Stern says. Also, arrange get-togethers between your child and friends who have other skills; it will help both kids develop and share strengths. For example, if your son is an auditory learner, set up a study date with a friend who always writes down the homework. He can get helpful tips from his more organized friend and build confidence by sharing his own skills. 7. Develop workarounds. If your ADHD child struggles with doing homework in the afternoon or if ADHD disrupts the morning routine, get creative with parenting solutions, Stern says. That means finding new ways to accomplish common tasks. “Ask the teacher, ‘Is there a way I can get homework ahead of time?’ or find a neighbor whose child is in the same class and call every day to double-check the homework assignment,” Stern says. At home, that could mean eliminating the problematic routine altogether. Is getting dressed in the morning a major issue? “I tell moms of younger kids to put out their clothes at bedtime – just sweats or something that won’t wrinkle,” Matlen says. 8. Simplify routines. Many ADHD children struggle with multi-step commands, Stern says. In the morning, you may want your child to brush teeth, comb hair, load up the backpack with last night’s homework, come to the table for breakfast, get the lunch from the fridge, and more. But he’s stuck at step 1. “It’s not that your child cannot or will not cooperate,” Stern says. “He simply may not remember all the steps.” What can you do? Keep it simple. Start with one task, like teeth-brushing, and focus on having your child get that done each day until it becomes a routine he doesn’t have to think about. Then add one step a month. This simple parenting solution will help tasks become a habit for your child. If mornings are meltdown time for your ADHD child, do some tasks (like filling the backpack) the night before. Matlen also suggests keeping routines exactly the same: Wake them up at a specific time and keep toothpaste, comb, shoes, socks and other items in the same place. “That’s sometimes hard for parents who don’t like things so rigid, but kids really thrive on it,” Matlen says. 9. Choose your battles. To avoid getting overwhelmed, Stern suggests deciding what you really care about. “Pick one thing right now – what’s really important?” Focus on the larger issue, he says. If teeth-brushing is causing a nightly battle, but your real goal is helping your child fall asleep – that’s the larger issue. So skip the teeth-brushing for now. “You choose what’s important,” Stern says. 10. Lay down the law. Consistency with rules and expectations helps kids feel safe, according to Stern. And children with ADHD are no exception. “You need to have the same response, the same consequence, so your child can expect what’s coming,” he says. It’s also important for parents to present a united front – whether or not they’re actually in agreement. “Kids are bright,” Stern says. “They know how to look for inconsistencies [between mom and dad] and exploit them.” To give your ADHD child boundaries, decide house rules with your spouse. Set up clear expectations, then always follow through with what you say. Are You A Good Mom? Being a good mom means more than baking cookies and joining the PTA. She provides guidance, encouragement, discipline and structure. But sometimes a busy schedule and not enough "me" time gets in the way of being the best mom you can be.