Even if you love your man, his sex moves may leave you wanting for more. Fortunately, with a little tactful communication, your lovemaking can quickly go from lackluster to lusty. Read on for sex experts’ tips on how to turn your guy into the lover of your dreams. Plus, what’s going on below his belt? Take our quiz to find out...
Back in my single life, there was a particular guy I couldn’t get enough of. His touch made me shiver. His kisses lit me up like a pinball machine. But when we got into bed, and he started moving south, well, his technique went south too.
I like the slow build of the tango, and he was doing the jitterbug. Too soon my brain started whirring: Should I say something? Stop him? Change positions? Can’t he tell? Hey, I confirmed my lunch tomorrow, right?
It’s never good when my erotic mind starts running through my To-Do list. Then I thought, Uh-oh! He’s been gunning the engine for a while and probably wondering why I haven’t crossed the finish line. I wanted to reward his perseverance. And since he was the type to ask – and I didn’t want to lie – I focused really hard. Somehow, I pulled a big finish out of thin air.
Bad sex is like being stuck in gridlock traffic: You’re there for the duration. And you wonder (with a mix of disappointment and frustration) if you’re ever going get where you want to be.
You’re hardly alone in that particular jam. Sexual disconnect is one of the main reasons couples land in sex therapists’ offices. In fact, it happens so frequently that there’s actually a term for it: spectatoring.
“You take yourself out of the moment,” says Michele Sugg, a certified sex therapist in Branford, Conn., “and you’re kind of watching from above thinking, When will this be done? When should I fake an orgasm? Will he hurry up because I’m going numb?”
Of course, so-so sex is worst when you can see yourself riding off into the sunset with the guy. That’s when you really have to take the reins in hand and train your stallion to be the lover you want.
But why bother, those of us with a cynical side might ask, especially if everything else in the relationship is clicking?
“Because sex is the bond that repairs the wear and tear of life together,” says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years (Collins).
Every long-term relationship has some angst, conflict and turmoil, she says. “[Sex] brings you back together and makes you feel like you’re able to connect and love again.”
But transforming a lackluster lover into a breathtaking bed partner requires courage, creativity and tact. Here are 6 ways to create your own Casanova:
1. Quit faking it.
Your guy is trying to get from point A (foreplay) to point B (your orgasm). But he’s never going to get there if you keep sending him down the wrong road. And that’s exactly what you’re doing if you give an Academy Award-winning performance that tells him he’s found your sweet spot when he’s not even in the ballpark.
You don’t want to fake it a lot because then you won’t get what you need. Besides, you’re steering your guy in the wrong direction, Schwartz says.
But there are times when it’s OK to “bring in some smoke and mirrors,” Schwartz says.
For example:
You’re reconnecting after a breakup. “When things are emotionally difficult between you and your body, but he’s doing this masterful job to show you that he loves you, not having an orgasm may be more symbolically powerful than it should be,” Schwartz says.
“The guy needs reinforcement, and your relationship needs reinforcement. So just give him the orgasm.”
His ego rides on your climax. “Some men take it very personally [if you don’t have an orgasm],” Schwartz explains. “If you don’t want to do relationship work at that moment, but you’ll do it later, then you might want to do a great enactment of an orgasm.”
Still, pull this trick out only on rare occasions.
“It really will backfire on both of you if this becomes the ongoing answer to what is essentially a communication and relationship issue,” Schwartz cautions.
One more crucial point: If you do fall back on theatrics, take it to your grave.
“Don’t ever tell,” she advises. “Once you tell them, they’ll wonder if you’re ever real.”
2. Speak up – nicely.
In elementary school we all learned that if you can’t say something nice, say nothing. That’s fine when Great Aunt Gertrude gives you her hand-knitted puce sweater. But it doesn’t apply to your bedroom partner. Speak your mind when it comes to sex.
“Everybody’s responsible for their own orgasm,” says Richard Siegel, a certified sex therapist in Boynton Beach, Fla. “If you’re too embarrassed or self-conscious [to talk about it], that’s a sign of a problem right out of the gate.”
Be diplomatic, though. People think the other person’s going to be hurt, Sugg says. “Or they get frustrated because they haven’t said anything, and by the time they do, it comes out in a snarky way.”
That’s one reason to nip things in the bud (or bed) as they unfold. You can spin him around in a different direction and spare his feelings by combining a teeny white lie (Mmm, that feels nice) with some key instructions. (What would really send me to the moon is [fill your preference in here]).
Does your partner have a tendency to cut to the main course while you want to linger over appetizers? Put a positive spin on your wish to slow down. (This feels so good, can we do it a while longer?)
“Instruct people in an erotic way,” Sugg says, “and it will probably be received pretty wonderfully.”
If you’ve been faking for a while now, Schwartz offers this escape hatch: Simply tell him, That’s hit or miss. Every now and then I’ll have an orgasm that way, but really I need it this way.
3. Tell… and show.
Guys are visual. If words alone aren’t getting the message across, tap your inner porn star and simply show him what you want.
“A lot of men love to watch women masturbate,” Sugg says.
Or take his hand and gently demonstrate how hard or soft you want to be touched.
“For a woman to say, I would love it if you would touch me like this would be awesome [for most men],” Siegel says.
Or try this: Show your guy the kind of caresses you enjoy by licking or sucking on his fingers, Sugg suggests. If you can pull it off while he’s busy below deck, even better.
“It’s hands-on, and they can feel what you’re asking for,” she says.
By the way, this technique works anywhere on your body. Does your guy take the radio dial approach to nipple play? Unbutton his shirt, and show him how you’d like it.
4. Turn it into a game.
Make some lists: Things That Drive Me Wild, Things I’d Consider Trying, No Way, Jose!
Sex therapists use this classic exercise to get couples talking about what works for them in bed and what doesn’t. But you can skip the professional session and do it together over martinis.
Maybe you’ll discover you both like role-play or want to try some of the positions in the Kama Sutra.
The exercise helps couples learn “that sex is about mutual pleasuring and fun and sharing intimacy instead of performance and pressure,” Siegel says.
5. Let ’em know when they get it right.
One night my partner of 10 years stumbled quite by accident on an erogenous zone even I didn’t know about. That! That thing you just did! Do that more! I managed to stammer between the shock waves.
“Men love that,” Sugg says. “They’ll do what we want, but we need to be able to tell them. That’s the key.”
6. Check in with him.
To rephrase a bit from JFK, ask not what your man can do for you, but what you can do for your man. It’s a win-win situation.
Getting him to talk about what he wants and what you could do to heighten his pleasure opens the door for you to express what you want in bed, Schwartz says.
The result? Your mind will stop wandering to that stack of work on your desk, and you might even call in sick so you can spend more time in the sack.
What’s Going on Below His Belt?
How much do you know about what makes your guy's sex drive sputter and stall? Hint: It's has nothing to do with how big your boobs are (or aren't). Before you revamp your lingerie collection, realize it's more about him and less about you.
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