From the time we’re in pigtails, we’re taught that guys always want it. So when we’re in the mood, we’re shocked if he doesn’t want it. So what gives? Is it you or something bigger? From his unrealistic expectations to depression and smoking, read on for the top 10 reasons men go soft. Plus, how much do you know about his libido? Take our quiz to find out...
Guys will shag anything that moves, looks their way and has a pulse. Right? So when we’re in the mood to play head cheerleader to his quarterback, we’re stunned if he comes up with some lame excuse like he has a “headache.”
First, we blame ourselves. We’re too fat. Our boobs are too small.
But here’s a shocker: Men’s issues in bed usually have nothing to do with your cup size. In fact, most sack-time snafus have little to do with you. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. He’s not the man of steel he used to be.
It’s a natural part of aging, but guys who don’t snap to attention the way they did in their 20s may worry about their ability to snap at all – particularly if they’re caught off guard with, say, an invitation for naked Twister.
“For guys approaching their 40s and 50s, erections aren’t automatic,” says Dennis Sugrue, Ph.D., clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School.
First, he has to be thinking about sex. If he hasn’t, and a woman says, “Wanna?” she may get turned down. “For a lot of guys it’s like ‘Hmmm. Gee, that sounds good.’ But they’re thinking, ‘Are things going to work right now?’” Sugrue says.
2. His expectations are unrealistic.
Blame it on Viagra and its cousins. Men experiencing performance issues instinctively reach for prescription rebar, believing that erection medications will shore things up. But it doesn’t always work that way.
“The paradox is that they cause more nonsexual relationships than anything in history, not because they’re not good medications but because they over-promise,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a Washington, D.C.-based psychologist and certified sex and marital therapist.
The drug ads promise that men will have erections as they did in 20s and 30s. But that’s nonsense, says McCarthy, co-author of Coping with Erectile Dysfunction (New Harbinger).
These medications work most of the time. “But when men don’t go back to 100% predictability, they get demoralized, and they figure they were the only ones that failed at Viagra, and they just back off sex.”
Besides, these meds do squat for guys whose issues are emotional rather than mechanical.
“Every man who asks for a Viagra prescription should also see a sex therapist” to resolve longstanding relationship or psychological issues, says Stephanie Buehler, an Irvine, Calif.-based sex therapist.
3. He’s depressed.
A sex drive gone AWOL is a textbook symptom for depression. “His heart’s not in it,” Sugrue says.
Interestingly, treating the sexual dysfunction can bring a twofer – better sex and mood – even without addressing the depression.
“Sexual function requires both the body and the mind,” says Ridwan Shabsigh, M.D., associate professor of urology at Columbia University.
But the medications to treat depression – particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft – often lower libido as much as the depression does.
“The SSRIs are really treacherous,” says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press). “More than 80% of people who take them don’t have orgasms.”
In fact, antidepressants are so effective that many men use them to overcome premature ejaculation, she says.
So, if medications may be withering your guy’s beanstalk, have him ask his doctor about alternatives. Some antidepressants – Effexor, Wellbutrin and Cymbalta among them – may have less of a wilting effect.
But antidepressants aren’t the only meds that muffle desire. So do some blood pressure medications, along with drugs like Valium and Xanax.
“Some men have to try five different blood pressure medications before they find one that doesn’t affect their potency,” Whipple says.
4. He smokes.
Smoking cuts blood circulation – and not just in the blood vessels that lead to his heart. The vessels of his penis actually are more vulnerable because they’re smaller. Less blood flow equals a floppy penis. Need we say more?
5. He’s got a big belly.
A round, Santa-style belly may make your guy look merry, but it’s sure not doing a darn thing for his sex life. That’s because abdominal fat is different from other body fat.
Belly fat contains an enzyme called aromatase that converts testosterone, the sex hormone that drives a man’s libido, into the female sex hormone estrogen. Less testosterone means a lower sex drive.
The good news? “When men lose weight, their testosterone goes up and erectile function improves,” Shabsigh says.
6. He has a chronic illness brewing.
Health experts are fast coming to the realization that as the penis goes, so goes the rest of a man’s body. “The penis is the thermometer of men’s health,” Shabsigh says.“Erections need multiple body systems to work properly."
You need:
The vascular system to bring blood into the penis and trap it
The nervous system to transmit signals
The hormonal system to provide testosterone for the chemistry to work
“So, sexual dysfunction is an early warning system of major medical problems,” he says.
And we’re talking big problems: Coronary artery disease typically develops within three years of erectile dysfunction (ED). Diabetes appears within eight years. And among men with hypertension, ED also warns of impending heart attack and stroke.
“ED is an indicator of how dangerous a man’s hypertension is,” Shabsigh says. “He's more likely to have a heart attack or stroke than if he had high blood pressure without ED.”
The bottom line: If your guy isn’t rising to the occasion, get him to a doctor because he may have bigger problems.
7. He has other things on his mind.
Most of the time, stressed-out men seek sex to feel better, Buehler says. But some situations send a man’s sex drive into hibernation.
Sometimes he’s so preoccupied he can’t think about sex.
“Stress may also produce a tremendous amount of fatigue, and at the end of the day, he’s just totally sapped,” Sugrue says.
Also, stress-related behaviors like overeating, smoking, drinking and using prescription (or other) drugs also chip away at his libido.
8. He’s not getting enough zzz’s.
A recent study of 50 men found that among those who had sleep apnea (where breathing is disrupted during sleep), 80% also had erectile dysfunction.
It’s unclear whether sleep apnea causes ED, says Charles Atwood, M.D., associate director of the University of Pittsburgh Sleep Medicine Center, who wasn't involved in the study. But many of the conditions associated with sleep apnea – diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure – also are associated with ED.
And men with sleep apnea don’t snooze soundly because they wake up – though often they’re not aware of it – each time they stop breathing.
“People who have sleep apnea frequently just feel run down 24 hours a day,” Atwood says. “And when they would like to be amorous, they just don’t have the energy.”
9. He’s carrying baggage from a prior relationship.
Some men schlep steamer trunks filled with the detritus of romances past. And this stuff has a way of spilling over when he’s feeling vulnerable – say, when he’s in bed with you.
“Maybe a guy’s been through a messy divorce where his partner was quite critical of him as a lover,” Sugrue says. So he’s like the walking wounded.
“He wants a relationship, but he’s not sure he’s going to be able to perform.”
10. He’s in awe of your sexual confidence.
All right, so this one is about you, but it’s still more about him. Think of it as a lesson in being careful of what you wish for.
Guys wanted more confident, sexually assertive women, and now that a generation of women has embraced this role, guys aren’t sure what to do.
“We’re telling women, it’s great to initiate sex, and you’d think it would be every guy’s dream,” Sugrue says. “But it’s been a challenge for a lot of guys because they’re not able to control when they’re going to do it."
Sugrue is seeing guys in their 30s and 40s who are intimidated, she says. Some are using Viagra “to enhance their ‘EQ,’ or erectile quality.”
The hookup culture says a real man “ought to be able to have sex with any woman, any time, in any situation,” says McCarthy, the Washington, D.C., psychologist.
“It’s really tough on men, and I think that’s one of the reasons that younger men are using pro-erection medications – to give them courage.”
What's Going On Below His Belt?
How much do you know about what makes your guy's sex drive sputter and stall? Before you revamp your lingerie, realize it's more about him and less about you.
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