Why do men and women cheat? Is it boredom, thrill of the unknown or something deeper? And are any excuses even legitimate? Lifescript turned to relationship experts for the top 10 reasons for infidelity (Hint: Some will surprise you). Plus, are you or your partner potential cheaters? Rate your risk with our quizzes...
For years, we assumed that it was men who were dogs. Pop culture and Washington, D.C. are filled with tales of wives ignoring their husbands’ indiscretions. But times have changed and so has the cheating gender divide.
“Women tend to keep these things to themselves, but there are signs that they’re catching up with the guys,” says clinical psychologist Nancy O’Reilly (a.k.a. Dr. Nancy).
Technology makes it easier. Instant messaging, texting and cell phones can take an office flirtation up a notch. The Internet is filled with chat rooms and websites, like AshleyMadison.com and AffairMatch.com, geared to married men and women looking to get physical on the side.
But all the tech tools in the world can’t make a person cheat; it’s a choice. When asked why they're unfaithful, men and women usually have different excuses, er, reasons.
Here’s what the experts say:
Reason #1: She ain’t what she used to be.
Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go.
“If she got physically lazy or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women,” says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown).
Women who keep their men on a short leash need to take a “good, hard look in the mirror,” he adds.
Men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still demand perfection from her.
“It’s the typical double standard,” Santagati says.
For their part, guys should try to rediscover the spark at home.
“Make her feel pretty, even if you’re lying,” he advises. “Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel sexy, and she’ll want to make you happy.”
Reason #2: Familiarity has bred indifference.
What’s the most common excuse Dr. Nancy hears from women? They feel taken for granted. Their guys will discuss the kids, bills and house repairs, but they haven’t really talked in a while.
To women, that failure to communicate translates to less intimacy and emotional and relationship satisfaction, says family and marriage therapist Terri Orbuch, host of Detroit’s Love Doctor TV and radio programs.
“When you’re unhappy or dissatisfied in your relationship, you’re more likely to be tempted to look elsewhere,” Orbuch says.
And, she adds, you begin to perceive opportunities – the cute co-worker, the flirty dad at the playground. When a woman feels like little more than a household drudge, attention from someone else is extremely seductive.
Reason #3: No one loves a ball buster.
Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife.
“She’s like a mosquito,” Santagati says. “He doesn’t want to have sex with her; he wants to swat her away.”
And go running for hot sex with a more “understanding” woman.
Reason #4: You’re leading parallel lives.
You used to travel the same path, but lately your interests have diverged. Your guy wants to shoot pool with his buddies or watch football in his free time; you’d rather go to festivals or watch The Bachelorette.
When you start doing things separately, you’re more likely to meet others who share your interests. Soon you may have more in common with that guy in your photography class than your significant other.
Reason #5: Blame it on wanderlust.
Often, married men who cheat can’t explain why. They just feel compelled to bust out of their daily routine. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter – only this time, they’re hunting women.
“Maybe he got married too young,” Santagati says. “Or he just feels as if he hasn’t seen everything.”
Women can get wise to this behavior early in a relationship. Watch how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women, Santagati suggests.
If you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control him.
For longtime couples, it doesn’t take much to snap a man out of the doldrums.
“Get him thinking. Keep him wondering about you. Surprise him sexually,” Santagati says. “The sense of mystery will heighten the experience and keep him interested.”
And if he still cheats? Is it really your fault? How do you let it go? Get your top cheating questions answered and check out why women stay with cheaters.
Reason #6: The passion has fizzled.
Even happy marriages – healthy kids, steady finances, faraway in-laws – can breed discontent.
Despite the security a wife feels, “she’s bored and needs some excitement,” Dr. Nancy says.
Once the romance fades, your guy may not be the man you fell in love with. Instead, he’s a mass of habits that get under your skin. Perhaps you never knew him to begin with or hoped he would change.
Either can lead to infidelity, says Stephany Alexander, online dating expert and founder of WomanSavers.com.
A casual affair may put some zing back in your days.
“It’s something new, different and exciting,” Alexander says. “When a woman’s Prince Charming turns out to be a frog, women often cheat in hopes of finding a new prince.”
Reason #7: It’s biology, baby.
Women may scoff at this theory, but the male urge to get into someone else’s jeans could be in their genes.
“It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.
Science backs this up. A study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences revealed that men with a particular gene are less likely to bond with their partner, opening the door to infidelity.
Santagati, however, has a simpler explanation.
“Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. We want to experience something different – different lips and body types.
“We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid,” he says.
Reason #8: Your ego needs a boost.
You can be in a relationship with a perfectly wonderful, loving man and still need extra affirmation that you’ve still got it.
“For whatever reason, that reassuring partner isn’t enough,” Orbuch says. “You look elsewhere, so you can feel like you’re lovable.”
Reason #9: It’s just sex.
For most guys, sex and love are different things.
“We really believe, ‘I can still love my wife and want to have sex with other women,’” Santagati says.
That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free. If there is guilt, it may not be about the sex but the consequences. Will she kiss and tell? Will the wife find out?
Not sure where the lines of infidelity are drawn? Check out Chaste or Cheating?
Thinking of cheating on your wife? Santagati has one recommendation.
“Consider the worst-case scenario: Your wife finds out and is brokenhearted,” he says. “Ask yourself, is it worth it?”
Reason #10: It’s payback time.
When a woman catches her man with his hand in someone else’s cookie jar, she figures she has a right to revenge.
“If a woman finds out her significant other has been cheating, she may try to heal those hurt feelings by having sex with another man,” Alexander says.
Rate Your (and His) Cheating Risk
About 55% of women and 60% of men cheat at some point during their marriages. And although you can't always control what your partner does, how likely is it that you'll be the one to do the straying?
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