Are You Doing All the Household Chores? ‘Braxton Family Values’ Therapist: How to Get Your Life Back

Exhausted from doing it all at work and at home? You're not alone. Many women have the same problem, says “Braxton Family Values” psychologist Sherry Blake, Ph.D. Learn how to speak up for a fairer division of the household chores... To her Atlanta patients, Sherry Blake, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist. But to viewers of “Braxton Family Values” on WE tv, she’s “Dr. Sherry,” the trusted adviser to singer Toni Braxton and her often-clashing kin. The fact that the Braxtons expose their family issues and ask for help in full view of the TV world earns Dr. Sherry's respect. “To bring someone in and start processing the issues they’re dealing with took courage,” she says. But Blake also has advice for non-celebrities, especially the overworked, under-appreciated women who are doing it all, first at work and then at home with the household chores. In her book The Single-Married Woman (Touchstone Psychological Services), she describes how some women undermine their own needs. In this exclusive, Dr. Sherry explains the traps wives fall into as they try to be superwomen, and how they can break the cycle. You have patients who are famous and regular Janes and Joes. Are celebrities’ problems different? With celebrities, the same issues remain – they still hurt and have relationship problems. They have money, but it can’t buy what they’re missing emotionally. The difference is that their issues are often magnified in the public’s eye. If they’re anxious, become depressed or are overwhelmed, the world knows instantly. We have Twitter, Facebook and [celebrity gossip websites], so any issue that happens is [exposed]. I’ve worked with celebrities and athletes for years, and I know that [therapy] has made a difference in some lives. Unfortunately, many celebrities won’t reach out for help. They’re afraid because of their careers. How do you encourage celebrities to open up? One thing I’m proud of is [maintaining] confidentiality. Things stay under the radar, so they have a safe place to say, “You know what? I can’t handle this” or “I’m overwhelmed.” Unfortunately, people still stereotype mental health. It’s just as important as physical health – I preach that day in and day out. You must take care of yourself emotionally and psychologically. Do you believe your appearances on “Braxton Family Values” have encouraged people to seek mental health care? It has become more fashionable to have a therapist. We see the show and are entertained by [the family], but we also see the courage it took for the Braxtons to go public with their problems and bring in a psychologist. They have real issues, [the kind] that happen in many families. What led you to write The Single-Married Woman? So many women are dealing with the same issues: They’re married or in a relationship, but they find that their mate or partner is not really “there.” Many times, females find themselves doing the heavy lifting, being responsible for most of the things in the relationship. They’re the ones picking up the kids, taking care of the household chores, doing this [and] that. Their mate or husband will help if asked, but it’s obvious that if things need to be done, [women are] the only ones who are going to do them. Now, many women are working full-time outside the home and sometimes full-time in the home. As a result, [they] feel overwhelmed [and] alone. Is this a women’s problem or does it involve the whole family? It’s a relationship problem. It’s not just one person’s fault. How does a woman know if she’s falling into the trap of doing it all? She’ll look around one day and notice she’s the one that everybody is waiting on [in order to] eat. She has to cook and does most of the cleaning. She’s the one that the school always calls if there’s a problem. She’s dealing with the children and running back and forth to school. She’s the one everyone looks to if anything goes wrong. “Where’s my book?” or “Where are my shoes?” It’s as if she’s the GPS system of the family. Everyone else has time for himself or herself. But she has sort of lost herself and her voice in the relationship. She may have been verbalizing and complaining, but it’s as if no one is listening. Many times women will just stop talking about it. Who are the women featured in the book? One is a high-powered executive who has done well in her career. But when it comes to the household chores, she’s still responsible for doing it all. Her way of dealing with it is overeating, stuffing her feelings with food. Another woman has lost her job and [is] dependent on her husband’s salary. Her way of trying to make sure everything’s OK is to become superwoman in the house. She’s budgeting and trying to take care of everything while sacrificing herself. A third woman is [remarried and combining two families]. We think it’s going to be “The Brady Bunch,” but they didn’t have ex-wives, children acting out and the financial stresses we have today. We have this storybook image [of families], and it just doesn’t work out like that. The kids are being manipulative. She’s dealing with all that and is very angry underneath, but doesn’t know how to deal with it. The last woman left an abusive [man] and then found herself in a same-sex relationship, something she never dreamed possible. They decided to raise a child together. And guess what? She found herself taking care of the kids and household chores, doing it all. It’s not just about gender, it’s about the issues. Do wives get some benefit out of doing household chores? Or do they just not know how to delegate responsibilities to the rest of the family? It’s a combination. They get stroked for doing it all. Then they [think], I can’t tell anybody that I’m miserable. Women also get stereotyped into roles. We’ve accepted our role as nurturer. How have things changed since past generations? [Now,] it usually takes two paychecks [for families] to make it. Many times, we still think everything inside the house is for the woman to do and anything outside is the man’s responsibility. But let’s really look at that. The grass may get cut once a week, but you have to eat every day, the kitchen has to be cleaned every day, and clothes must be washed. The idea of a man taking care of just the outside of the home is no longer valid. What can women do to break the cycle of doing it all? Ask yourself how you can create “me” time. Understand that you do have a voice – and learn how to use it. Consider the options: “He gets off at 5 p.m.; I get off at 5 p.m. Maybe he can pick up the children while I start dinner, or he can start dinner while I pick up the children.” Have conversations. Say something like, “Given that we’re both working, how are we going to divide up [the household chores]?” Many women don’t say anything because they’re afraid their husband will complain or stray – and that’s not a solid relationship. But once they understand the [woman’s] frustration, many men adjust and adapt. Are there ways to prevent this situation in the first place? It’s important for all women to really get to know the person they’re going to spend time with. Listen to your husband before you marry. If he hasn’t been doing any of the household chores all along, [chances are] his mama or family was doing it all for him. In a blended family, see how he handles his child and the ex-wife. Really get to know the dynamics of all these relationships. If he has no rules or boundaries with that child, don’t think there are going to be boundaries after you say “I do.” Did you learn these lessons in your own relationship? It’s funny, because my mother, who worked part time and was mostly a housewife, made breakfast for us every morning before we left for school. So when I had kids, I thought I had to make a hot breakfast. That was in my DNA. I would scramble eggs and cook bacon. As my career progressed, I was tired, and my husband was [just] going off to work and coming home. I looked around and [realized] I was a single-married woman. My sister said, “Why are you killing yourself doing all that every morning? Haven’t you heard of frozen waffles? Haven’t you heard of instant oatmeal?” And it dawned on me that I hadn’t thought about that. Are You an Overwhelmed Stay-at-Home Mom? Being a stay-at-home mom can be a very rewarding full-time job, but many stay-at-home moms place too much pressure on themselves and forget to balance the self with the family. How well are you getting by as a stay-at-home-mom?