Are you secretly spending behind your husband's back? Have you let yourself go? Do you constantly nag? These behaviors could be hurting your marriage. But there’s good news: It’s not too late to change bad habits. Our marriage expert reveals the top 10 worst relationship mistakes and how you can start fixing them today. Plus, do you fight fair? Take our quiz to find out...
Sure, your husband has his share of bad habits, but what about yours? To get you back on track, read on for expert advice on 10 bad habits that could be ruining your marriage.
1. Not having sex
According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, where couples make love no more than 10 times a year.
While sex isn't the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it’s one of the best ways to maintain intimacy. And when sex becomes a distant memory, your intimacy takes a severe hit.
While physical issues like hormonal changes, stress and fatigue may not put you in the mood, some of the problem has to do with your attitude. “You need to feel good about each other to be intimate,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page Books). “If you constantly fight, criticize and spout negativity, you won't be able to be close.”
Even if you’re not feeling frisky or are resentful, just do it already. An orgasm does your body – and mind – good.
Learn how to transition from handling the mundane tasks of life to frolicking in the bedroom.
“Sex in a long-term marriage is different from dating, honeymoon or newlywed sex,” Tessina says. “You need to learn how to make it easy to get there.”
2. Letting yourself go
Life happens – aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain. You’re not going to look the way you did when you first met your spouse.
Fortunately, “in deepening love, the exterior gets less important, and the interior is what we’re focused on,” Tessina says.
But whether you like it or not, your spouse does care what you look like now, just as you still want to be attracted to him.
Put in a little effort to look nice for your hubby. Even a small change can make a big impact – resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home or actually wearing some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought.
Also, make a commitment to exercise several times a week, which can inspire your husband to break a sweat with you. Start by walking every night and ask him to join you.
3. Spending too much time with the in-laws
That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage or siding with them over him. Your spouse will feel like he comes second to your family.
Even if you're close to your parents and siblings, draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and they come first.
Tessina says it may be an issue of your upbringing.
“If your partner is unhappy with how you’re relating to your family, it probably means you come from different style families, and you need to talk about that and make some agreements,” she says.
“It’s a growing up issue, as well as a partnership issue.”
But your loyalty lies with your marriage, she says.
4. Spending too much time with friends, work, hobbies
Having a life and interests apart from your husband is important, but not having your priorities straight can wreak havoc on your marriage. Maybe you’re using your friends or job as a welcome distraction from your spouse. Or maybe you simply enjoy your job or hobbies that much.
Your spouse may feel like a second fiddle. Is he dropping hints about how he wishes you were around more? Or maybe he's not saying anything for fear of rocking the boat.
The bottom line: Don’t make your spouse feel alienated, rejected or disconnected from the marriage.
“You need to do what works,” Tessina says, “and the only people who can determine that are you and your spouse. Together.”
5. Not consulting your partner about purchases
According to a 2007 PayPal survey, 37% of couples fight more about money than household chores or sex, and 82% of respondents say they have hidden purchases from their partner.
While not telling your husband about a new shirt you bought doesn’t spell disaster for your marriage, omitting large purchases or other major money commitments does.
Not only will it cause anger and bitterness, but bad money habits can compromise the financial security of your family’s future. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word.
Tessina recommends talking about how money will be handled – bank accounts, bill paying, debt, savings, investments – before getting hitched.
“Remember, if you can’t talk amiably about money and make joint decisions about it, your marriage doesn’t have a good chance,” she says.
6. Forgetting the smaller gestures
Those everyday signs of affection are what keep intimacy and romance alive. Yet many couples fail to remember to do them.
“Spread as much sweetness around as possible,” Tessina says.
Kiss him when he walks in the door; ask him if he needs anything while you’re up; surprise him with a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive); touch his arm or leg when sitting next to him; say thank you when he does something for you, no matter how big or small.
7. Criticizing and nagging endlessly
Finding fault with people – especially our loved ones – is easy. So is mercilessly criticizing your partner. While your husband may joke about his nagging wife to his friends, he’s probably not finding it funny on the inside.
“If you allow yourself to be subject to constant criticism from your spouse, your well-being and confidence will suffer,” Tessina says.
You might think you’re offering gentle reminders or that you’re being justifiably critical, but the more you nag, the more he’ll tune you out. And that just makes you angrier.
8. Always playing the victim
Never being at fault can be tiresome to a husband who isn’t always to blame either.
“It’s difficult for everyone to take responsibility for bad behavior,” Tessina says.
Pointing the finger at someone else is easier and makes you feel better about yourself. Playing the victim is a control mechanism, and you use it when it suits you best.
Fess up to your role in the problems you’re facing, apologize and make the necessary changes when appropriate. Once you give up the victim mentality, you’ll find yourself less stressed, angry and resentful… and your husband will be happier, too.
9. Sweating the small stuff
So he forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning or fix the broken fence like he promised. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
“If you want to be right just to be right, you’re going to create problems and pain in your marriage,” Tessina says. Pick and choose your battles wisely, or you’ll find yourself permanently on the battlefield.
When something is bothering you, Tessina recommends asking yourself how important it really is. Are there rational reasons why it’s so crucial?
If you know you must hash out the issue, bring it up as soon as possible to avoid built-up resentment. And learn how to “fight fair.”
10. Not fighting fair
Arguing to solve an issue isn’t necessarily the bad habit. You’ll inevitably come across differences when it comes to finances, children and responsibilities of home and work.
But the way you settle those differences can be destructive. If you wonder why you’re unsuccessful in solving your problems, it could be because you’re not going about it with good intentions.
If and when you have a disagreement, follow Tessina’s “fighting fair” guidelines:
Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem
Consider your partner’s point of view
Solve one problem at a time
Don’t bring up past issues
Avoid personal attacks and criticism
Stay away from using power struggle tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail
Do You Fight Fair?
No relationship is perfect, and at some point you're going to have a confrontation with a coworker, neighbor or someone you love. Disagreements can be a way to respectfully voice your opinion and carefully consider the other person's thoughts - or they can be an all-out, name-calling fiasco. Is your fighting style fair or do your quarrels need a referee?
No comments:
Post a Comment