After a $10 million wedding and just 72 days of matrimony, reality star Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from husband Kris Humphries. But even if you know you want to leave, divorce isn’t as easy as signing the papers, and separating impulsively can inflict far more pain (and financial blood-letting) than necessary. Here are 10 questions anyone should consider before taking this giant step...
Divorce is so common in our culture that it may seem the natural solution to tough marital times. After all, only 52% of married couples in the U.S. make it to their 15th anniversary.
But your divorce probably won’t look like Kim Kardashian’s: You’re unlikely to walk away with your finances intact or fabulous homes and cars. And even if you can sustain your lifestyle after a divorce, a breakup without planning can result in a lifetime of regret.
“I had a client, a lovely woman, who was married 39 years,” says Virginia R. Dugan, chairwoman of the American Bar Association Marital Property Committee and a law partner at Atkinson & Kelsey, a law firm specializing in divorce and family law in Albuquerque, New Mexico. “Her husband was ignoring her, so she started [divorce proceedings] as a wakeup call.”
Unfortunately, her husband embraced the idea.
“She didn’t realize it was going to go that far,” Dugan says. “She’s been divorced for two years.”
Lesson: Be careful what you wish for.
If you strengthen your decision with thoughtful consideration and realistic expectations, you are more likely to lessen the inevitable difficulties of divorce and to right yourself more quickly afterward.
Below are questions to guide your thinking.
1. Can you salvage the marriage?
If boredom or greener pastures are fueling your quest to flee, consider alternatives first.
Book a romantic cruise (don’t forget his ticket!), enroll in couples’ therapy, take up a hobby you can both share. Now is the time to try everything you can to shore up your marriage. Why? Because any option other than divorce will be less costly – financially and emotionally.
However, if abuse, infidelities or fundamental differences in lifestyle, morals or character pockmark your marriage, breaking up may be the best option.
2. What’s your motivation?
If extracting revenge or righting a wrong is motivating your interest in divorce, rethink that strategy.
Vengeful divorces often end up in court as spouses wrangle over property, child custody and support. Contested divorces are expensive and ugly and will succeed only in draining funds that can be better spent rebuilding your life.
As Dugan advises her clients: “You can pay your mortgage, or you can pay mine.”
A better plan is to leave with your dignity intact, especially if you have children – the vitriol can unfairly poison them too.
For more on how to avoid hurting the kids in a divorce, read Divorce Poison (HarperCollins).
3. Can you afford a split?
Whip out the classifieds and visit a few apartments, condos and houses for a reality check. Then review your joint checking accounts and add up the cost of running your existing household, suggests Deborah E. Voso, a certified financial planner (CFP) with Voso Consultants, LLC in North Carolina.
Why?
Because every penny counts when your existing household budget must support two of everything: two rents or mortgages, two utility bills and so on.
Also, don’t forget to factor in the cost of medical insurance that’s now covered by your spouse’s employer or business.
“It’s cut off at divorce,” Dugan says. “And a lot of women get real sticker shock when they see what their premium is going to be.”
4. Do you know your net worth?
Gather records of your assets, debts and tax returns. If you’re like most people, your house and retirement funds will constitute your largest assets.
Don’t forget stock certificates, life insurance, money market accounts, frequent flier miles, business interests, and any other investments. This is the first information divorce professionals will need to evaluate your circumstances.
5. Should you meet with an attorney?
Not all people need to hire a divorce lawyer. If you have few or no assets, no children, or if you can agree on custody issues and how to split the assets, a do-it-yourself dissolution can be preferable to investing thousands of dollars in legal fees. Even so, consulting an attorney about your legal rights before you take the divorce plunge is wise.
And remember, just because you have the right to do or keep something doesn’t mean you must. In some instances, peace of mind can often prove more valuable than a piece of furniture.
6. Do you know the state laws governing divorce?
What’s yours and what’s not will be determined in large part by your state’s marital property laws. For example, do you live in one of the nine “community property” states?
If so, whatever the two of you acquired with common assets during your marriage (debt included) will likely be divided equally.
If, however, you live in one of the remaining “equitable distribution” states, a different standard applies.
“The judge will look at all the assets and decide how they should be distributed,” Dugan says. “It may not be equal but it will be equitable,” which means a judge will take the following into account: age, health, employment, earning potential, sources of income, debt, length of the marriage, and tax consequences.
7. Can you count on support payments?
Not necessarily. A complex mix of your home state’s laws and your marital and personal circumstances will determine whether you receive “rehabilitative” support designed to give you time to improve your marketability; ongoing support (more likely in a lengthy marriage); or whether you wind up owing your spouse a monthly chunk of change. (Read more in 10 Money Mistakes Women Make)
A similar set of factors will determine child support amounts, as well. Family law attorneys usually use specialized software to help estimate whether you’ll receive or pay support, how much support, and for how long.
8. Should you meet with a certified financial planner?
Absolutely. No matter how much or how little there is to divvy up, a visit to a qualified financial planner or certified divorce planner (CDP) can help you understand your finances, such as the worth of your pension plans, a business, or other complex assets.
If you decide on divorce, a financial planner can help you forecast your financial needs.
9. Should you keep the family home?
This will depend in part on the housing market where you live, the amount of equity in your home and the cost of maintaining the house. While you might be attached to the house, it may not make financial sense to keep it, Voso says.
“It’s very expensive to run a house by yourself.”
Before you proclaim the house your territory, consider first the cost of upkeep, repair and taxes. As part of your divorce agreement, you may also need to buy out your ex-husband’s share of the house. Sometimes, it makes more financial sense to downsize.
10. How strong is your support network?
No matter the reasons for your divorce, the transition is bound to be bumpy. Rely on your friends, family, colleagues, church, neighbors, therapist, and anyone else willing to offer you support and keep you from feeling isolated. Join a divorce group, accept invitations, go back to college, travel, get a dog – whatever it takes to enrich your new life.
Should You Divorce Him?
To divorce or not to divorce... that is the question. According to the American Law and Economics Review, more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the U.S. are filed by women. Infidelity and physical or verbal abuse are often the cause. However, other women simply feel like they're not getting the most out of their marriage. Are you one of them? Take this divorce quiz and find out.
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