What makes a nice guy run? Sometimes it’s the blunders we make trying to be oh-so-perfect: texting incessantly, mothering him, oversharing. In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship experts offer their top dating tips…
You’re head-over-heels for your new guy: He’s smart, funny, handsome and totally into you. That is, until the day he stops calling.
Everything seemed perfect – so what happened?
Often, what we see as romantic bonding 101 – exchanging “I love you’s” on the first date, spending lazy Sundays in our PJs, swapping sexual histories – backfires in real life.
Aiming for perfection “brings so much tension and expectation to the relationship,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist. And, she explains, that can sour a new romance before it even really starts.
Here are the 10 most common dating mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Forcing a commitment
If you’re just getting to know someone, pushing for exclusive status – requesting his apartment key, saying “I love you,” or naming your future children – may elicit a hasty retreat.
It’s probably the No. 1 relationship-killer, says Linnda Durré, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Orlando, Fla. “It’s such a turn-off [for men], they will run to the nearest exit.”
And social networking has made it even easier to apply commitment pressure.
For example, rushing to change your status to “in a relationship” on Facebook, posting photos of the two of you, or chatting about your “cool new boyfriend,” can cause a real relationship problem, Lieberman says.
Though subtle, this type of pressure still sends a powerful message that you’re on a different wavelength from your partner.
Dating tip: Waiting before committing your devotion actually benefits women, research shows.
A study published in the January 2009 Journal of Theoretical Biology suggests that longer courtships offer women a better chance of picking a good mate, such as one who will help take care of the children.
Mistake #2: Putting your digital life first
Many of us are guilty of digital multi-tasking – chatting on the cell phone during dinner, texting a BFF from our date’s car, surfing the web in bed.
But if your face is typically blocked by a screen, your new beau may turn his attention elsewhere, relationship experts say.
“The person you’re dating feels completely discounted,” Lieberman says. “It’s totally intrusive in a relationship – it tells the guy he’s not important.”
Plus, interrupting your dates for calls or texts broadcasts that you’re too “popular,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist. “It’s really a social cue you’re giving. A man gets the impression this is too hard – that it’s not worth the effort.”
Also, constantly updating your online status can show you’re more interested in yourself – and how you come across to your friends – than in him.
“If you’re using Facebook or Twitter every five minutes, you send this idea that you’re self-absorbed and that you have to tell everyone what you’re doing all the time,” she says.
Dating tip: Activate your phone’s silent mode or, if you’re expecting an important work or family call, slip away to another room and discreetly answer texts or emails there.
Mistake #3: Being needy
You may think the occasional “thinking of you” text is OK, but consider the total amount of emotional messages you’re sending his way.
Blitzing him with calls, emails and other constant communication is another common relationship problem. It can make a man think you need him too much and can’t do anything without his input.
And that gives most men the heebie-jeebies.
Michelle R. Callahan, Ph.D., a New York City-based developmental psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010), calls this type of woman “Miss Anaconda” because “she smothers her partner to death.”
She forgets that both partners need time away from each other, Callahan says.
Smothering can also mean making continuous demands on his time, Newman adds.
“Such requests – like, I need you to have dinner with my friends on Saturday, shop for a gift for my niece, or put up my bookcases – expect too much from a new relationship,” she says.
These requests are particularly unwelcome if your date doesn’t like to be cornered, she says.
“Anything that eats into his free time on a constant basis will feel like too much.”
Dating tip: Limit your texts to one or two a day and try to space out special requests. If his eyes start to dart toward the door, simply back down and change topics.
Mistake #4: Banning “guy time”
Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean he should drop his friends.
Much like women sometimes need a “girls’ night out,” guys want space and time to pursue their own interests, says Callahan.
So, whether you flat out veto his boys-only poker night, or just sulk when he leaves to watch the game with his buddies, “it’ll lead to a power struggle,” she says.
And that struggle often results in the opposite of what you wanted, causing an even bigger relationship issue.
Discouraging time away from each other can also end up backfiring.
“He’ll resent it, and sometimes he might even just do it to spite you,” Callahan says.
Dating tip: When he schedules a night with the guys, use that time to do something you like – perhaps yoga, a movie with the girls or a trip to the nail salon.
Mistake #5: Being his “mom”
Those small things we do for our guy – cook dinner, buy him a new tie, drop off his dry-cleaning – can lead to mothering.
That “dooms the relationship, because you’re setting it up in an unbalanced way," Callahan says.
“He’ll always depend on you more than he should,” Lieberman adds.
Some women think their guy’s life is lacking – and swoop in maternally to make things all better, Callahan says. Others may be working out issues from childhood, such as having an absent father, Lieberman adds.
Dating tip: Be affectionate, but stop running his errands and picking his dirty clothes up off the floor. Remember, he’s a grown man and somehow made it this far in life alive and (occasionally) well-dressed.
Mistake #6: Texting your troubles
Women wary of confrontation may try to prevent arguments by bringing up sore spots in texts and emails, instead of face-to-face or via phone.
But all this tactic does is stop true intimacy, says Callahan.
Plus, “it’s cowardly to avoid what needs to be talked about,” she adds.
Dating tip: To take your romance to the next level, you need to up your communication method – by picking up the phone, she adds.
“When you’re building a relationship, you’ve got to have a conversation,” she explains. “There’s only so much you can cover in 160 characters [the maximum length of a text].”
Mistake #7: Slacking on your looks
No, he shouldn’t expect you to look picture-perfect 24/7. But morphing into a sloppy, un-showered version of your attractive self is a dating no-no.
Dating tip: “Hanging out in sweats with no makeup, going to sleep in flannel PJs, or not keeping your legs smooth are things that guys notice,” Lieberman says.
Women also tend to drop their personal upkeep after becoming secure in a relationship.
“They tell themselves that it’s irrelevant because ‘a guy loves me for me,’” she explains. “But the message they’re giving is [a man] is not important enough to make an effort for.”
Mistake #8: Being a critic in bed
Just like women, guys bare more than their bodies during sex – they also expose their egos.
So, acting annoyed when he doesn’t satisfy you won’t rev up your sex life.
Dating tip: Instead, gently let him know he’s missed the mark, says Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.
But keep this conversation out of the bedroom, where he’ll feel especially vulnerable.
And don’t wait weeks or months to have it.
“By that time, you’ll be resentful and he’ll be distressed,” Buehler says. “And you both will have a rough time fixing your sex life.”
Also, avoid comparing him to old boyfriends during the talk.
“Don’t say how well-endowed your ex-boyfriend was or how long he lasted,” she adds. “Telling him that you’ve had better lovers will only make him feel bad about himself.”
Mistake #9: Oversharing
Immediately disclosing major personal issues – like that your mother was an alcoholic, you have a chronic health condition or your kid is on drugs – can also push away a new suitor.
The first few weeks of the relationship aren’t the time to come clean about your burdens.
And relationship experts warn to be careful of overburdening your beau.
“When people are in love, they can take on a lot of the other person’s baggage,” she says.
Dating tip: Unless he’s ready to commit, learning all that personal information up front can feel like being hit by a tsunami – and lead to relationship disaster, she says, so sprinkle those breadcrumbs gingerly.
Mistake #10: Bringing along baggage
Your baggage may include a string of failed relationships that you fear repeating.
Dating tip: But your new guy doesn’t want to feel like a chapter in a bad romance novel. So dwelling on former flames may prompt him to put you in his past – fast.
Baggage can also refer a person’s overall worries and pessimistic outlook on life.
“We’ve all got [issues], but if you focus on them constantly, it will bring down the other partner,” says Jennifer Samp, Ph.D., a speech communication professor at the University of Georgia who has done research on relationships.
Plus, too many emotional issues could make him unsure about your future together.
Samp adds: “He’ll wonder if this is always going to be a negative relationship.”
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