What Your Guy’s Behavior Really Means

Why didn’t he call? What’s with the porn? How can the words “let’s talk” freak him out? Read on as relationship experts – and men from around the country – reveal what’s behind these and other typical boy behaviors…

For my 35th birthday, I expected something spectacular from my boyfriend of three years. In my mind, it was the perfect occasion for the little velvet box with the big engagement ring.

After dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, he reached into his pocket. My heart pounded. This is it! I was prepared to gasp, cry and, of course, say, “Yes!”

Then he pulled out… a picture of a small cooler for storing wine. He excitedly pointed out the different settings for keeping reds and whites at the right temperatures while my mood deflated like a kid’s party balloon. A refrigerator! That’s how much he thinks of me? Of us? Besides, I drink martinis.

I mustered a smile and some feigned enthusiasm.

I’m glad I kept my game face on. Eventually (and when I least expected it), I got the ring. Now, six years into our marriage, we keep vodka in the wine cooler along with pinot noir.

I’m hardly the first woman to be baffled by male mating rituals. So I asked relationship experts and some surprisingly candid guys to give it to me straight.

When it comes to these common relationship conundrums, here’s what your man is really thinking.

1. Why didn’t he call?
If he said he’d call and he’s not hospitalized in a coma (which by the third day of waiting might be your hope), what gives?

For some guys, I’ll call you is guy speak for “Nice chatting, but while I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I have no desire to do it again.”

It can also buy him time for a graceful exit without committing to some future date he might later cancel, after thinking it over or sobering up.
Or it may not be about you at all.

“Sometimes, it’s not the phone number guys want, it’s knowing they can get it,” says Todd, a South Florida entrepreneur.

There’s also the fear factor. A guy who’s superconfident surrounded by wingmen may be less sure of himself on the phone a day or two later.

“For men, making the call is one of the scariest things, next to public speaking and maybe death,” says Phoenix-based counselor Jason Fierstein, M.A., LPC.

Chickening out is a completely valid reason, agrees Gregory of Orlando.

If a man thinks a woman isn’t really interested, fear of getting shot down can keep him from calling.

2. Why does “let’s talk” freak guys out?
These are the scariest words men will ever hear, says Kevin, a writer in New York City.

“Little ellipses follow ‘let’s talk,’” explains Fierstein, the counselor. “Until someone starts talking, you’re left to fill in the blank.”

Guys assume the worst-case scenario: They’re getting dumped.

Or that there’s an emotional gripe session coming, according to Peter, a playwright and novelist in Beacon, N.Y.

To him, these two words mean either:
a) I’m going to tell you what you’re doing wrong
b) I have emotional needs you barely comprehend, and you’ll have to listen to me talk about them and pretend you’re not only interested but supportive
c) I really want to know what’s going on inside your mind and heart.

“Guys aren’t comfortable talking about that stuff,” Peter adds. “Also, we know it’s likely to cut into our TV time.”

3. Why does he think any contact in bed means we want sex?
Women like physical intimacies that could lead to sexual desire but don’t necessarily signal or create it, explains New York City-based sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., creator of the sex-education website GoodInBed.com.

For men, touch triggers desire. So they have a hard time understanding physical intimacy that’s not sexual, he adds.

Plus, guys figure the law of averages is on their side.

“Even when I know the contact is probably random, it's more than I had to go on a few seconds earlier,” says Ron, a college professor in upstate New York.

“Sometimes all that pleading and cajoling works, so I have to try.”

4. Why do guys think a drop-off in sex means a doomed relationship?
Being too tired or not in the mood doesn’t compute for men.

No guy has ever believed the headache excuse, says Todd, the entrepreneur. They assume it means the woman isn’t interested in them anymore.

Of course we have good reasons for not feeling frisky. But since guys would rather avoid a “let’s talk” session, they use sex as a measure of where the relationship stands.

“The quantity and quality of sex is something tangible,” explains Ross Felix, founder of the matchmaking website Dating Revolution.

“If you were having sex three times a week and now you’re down to two, something must have gone wrong.”

Turns out, often when men want sex, they’re actually looking to connect emotionally.

Men don’t rely on touch, kissing, snuggling and hugging to show affection.

“Sex leads to the feeling of emotion, and it’s the main way a guy says, I love you,” explains sex-therapist Kerner.

There’s a biochemical reason for that: oxytocin, a hormone that “promotes a warm, fuzzy sense of bonding,” according to New York City psychologist Greg Kuhlman, Ph.D., one-half of the team behind the Marriage Success Training seminars.
Women get oxytocin from sex – and from nursing babies and having those deep, meaningful talks. But men mainly get theirs from sex.

So if you’ve been less intimate, he feels like he’s lost that lovin’ feeling connecting him to you.

5. Why do guys watch porn when they could have real sex?
For the same reason we scan real estate ads for country manors and pore over fashion magazines. We’ll never own a 15-acre estate or wear a couture $10,000 dress to take the kids to soccer practice, but it’s fun to look.

That’s what porn is for guys: the sexual equivalent of ogling cars at the Ferrari dealership. He’s not ditching the SUV, just sometimes wonders what it’s like to drive something different.

Porn also offers a safe way for him to vicariously experience sexual acts he’s reluctant to ask you to do, for fear of rejection.

And it’s a quick, low-stress way to achieve orgasm.

“It’s easier than talking, kissing, foreplay, having sex and then worrying if she’s satisfied too,” Kerner says.

6. Why do guys bolt when the relationship gets serious?
Many men will stay in a relationship because it’s convenient.

But when it’s time to make a commitment, he’ll end it if he knows you’re not The One, explains Kerner.

Jerry, a comic book collector from Grand Rapids, Mich., remembers taking off the afternoon his girlfriend told him she loved him.

What he heard was, “Let’s get married.” And because he wasn’t interested in settling down, he left.

“I never called again, and I never went back,” he confesses. “It was pretty cowardly, but avoiding it was easier than confronting it.”

Four months later, Jerry met another woman and spent the next 35 years with her.

7. Why do guys want sex after an argument?
Post-fight sex signals a cease-fire. The rush of hostility can turn a guy on too.

“You want the intensity in sex,” says Richard, an executive recruiter in Winter Garden, Fla.

So all that shouting over whose turn it was to change the toilet paper roll is really foreplay?

“Aggression triggers desire because the neural pathways associated with aggression crisscross with those involved in sexual desire,” Kerner explains.

Fighting also causes stress, and one way men are wired to release that is through orgasm, he adds.

And just like with “I love you,” saying “I’m sorry” is another emotion guys are more comfortable expressing nonverbally.

“Anything that’s going to come out of our mouths is likely to restart the argument. It’s better to do something that doesn’t involve speaking,” jokes Chip, an adventure photographer in Tuxedo, N.C.

8. How could he break up with me by text message?
Cell phones let a guy reach out and dump someone while dodging the emotional fallout of tears, demands for explanations and objects she might throw at him in her rage.

“Textpert” Drew Olanoff, director of community for the free texting app textPlus, sees an SMS see-ya as a byproduct of how communication has evolved.

If he asked you out by text and you chatted through it during your relationship, using it to dump you may seem acceptable to him.

“I don’t want to defend guys and say it’s cool. But if you cut to the chase, it’s way less intimidating,” Olanoff says.

9. Why are guys so clueless about gift-giving?
They may plead poor planning. Or they figure if they throw enough cash into it, we’ll see past their bungling to the good intentions behind it.
Or they just have no idea what women like.
“Guys aren’t necessarily tuned into a woman’s world as much as women are with men,” admits Jerry, the comic book collector.
I imagine that’s how I ended up with a picture of a wine cooler for my birthday.
Then again, maybe it’s payback for the gifts men get from us.

One Christmas, Kevin, the New York writer, received a book from his girlfriend with the complete text of the Equal Rights Amendment. All two sentences of it, written out in different fonts on every page.

“I was thinking, This is what you’re giving me for Christmas? It still reigns as the worst gift I’ve ever gotten,” he says.

So what did she get for her birthday? A pen-and-pencil set. “It didn’t go over well.”